I’ve finally decided on my New Year’s Resolution. This is why I haven’t written anything in so long, or actually done anything at all since January started in fact. The problem was that I couldn’t figure out what to do and there is no point in doing something with no resolve in your heart. If I’ve learned anything from looking up at the stars, it’s that (well, that and nuclear fusion, which I admit I did notice first and asked my Dad if it wasn’t a mad sort of thing to be happening altogether). Anyway, as you get older you learn more complicated stuff like how to avoid doing what other people want by doing nothing at all until you have your own idea about what you want to do and how you have to think of that at the very start of the year or else it’s all a waste and how if you make things hard to read, people often think you’re describing something complex so you must be good at writing and deserve a Nobel Prize (I still have my eyes on that baby) and this might lead to getting money without actually doing very much for other people, so you can employ someone to go to the shops and buy you cake, but it doesn’t always work.

So my resolution is to go around and be clever about anything I do. Not to become popular, because that’s shallow. It just gives me something to concentrate on when I have to spend time with others. The first step is to say everything in a slanted kind of way, using metaphors like, “Here, that bookcase is starting to look like London Bridge”, so when the bookcase flattens them I’ve managed to warn them but in a way that doesn’t ruin a potential moment of comedy, and also teaches them that if they were clever like me, they won’t get hurt. I’ll call it my spiritual journey: “the clever way” and people will flock to my door.

Yes, but that doesn’t really get me any closer to my cake. This has been bothering me since the year started. No matter what resolution I come up with, it doesn’t actually prove that I should even have a cake. But I want one. Is this all my complex genetic structure, honed over thousands of years, has managed to achieve? A deep desire for, cake? No, I must find some deeper justification for it, something that means I can stand by what I really want my New Years Resolution to be, deep down. And then I can finally start the new year.