I’ve used a lower case title to indicate humility.
It’s been over seven months. I’d managed at least one a month before that. I had to explain the lower case signficance because you clearly hadn’t picked up on the other little hint. That I’d stopped blogging.
Anyway, since you’re still clicking on this site every day, then refreshing, staring and refreshing, staring and refreshing until your tears make the letters skew and you’re convinced they spell a new message, I’ve decided it’s time to make this a clean break.
I was never sure what I wanted to do with this blog. I started writing for fun, but later used it to gather my experiences together and turn them into a study. And later again it became difficult to be fun. I simply haven’t been feeling very relaxed in a long time. Partly because of my job, partly other issues. There were more intesting topics to blog about than my own experiences, but I lacked knowledge of these topics. There was supposed to be furious thinking afoot, and yet what I had in my heart was not love for a topic that would be fed by experiences. It was love for a journey. Probably I should have tried to write a story instead.
I started writing something half-way between a story and a topic (the topic was ‘letting go’) but I didn’t find the time to keep going and eventually got bored with my long-drawn-out-thoughts. So here I am. Here we are. No. Here I am. I’m saying good bye to you, dear reader. It’s time to try something different.
In letting go of this blog, I should at least have the decency to conclude the series of blogs I was writing about my struggle to let go of deeper things: trying to feel in control, to know everything, of thinking too much. Of clinging on to my personality and its desires. The series was intended to end with a conclusion something like this:
There is no point in letting go unless it is to hold onto something else. Otherwise, if you let go you’ll simply drop, like a religion that has no purpose. With the ascetic the goal of letting go is perhaps more obvious, because once he stops looking at everything else around him, he has nowhere left to look but to some more abstract fulfillment. He removes the easier gains for the greater gain and his burden grows light. As people, we have good desires, but we get so distracted that it becomes difficult to remember what they are. This is especially so for me. My mind does not run on train tracks. It runs along a river bed, gathering a watershed, not satisfied until the sea is reached and the thoughts themselves are shed. (ie it runs on train tracks).
But sometimes I get moments with God. And then eventually, when the time is right, something happens to bring those real desires home to me; not those that have become trivially intertwined with my personality and culture; but desires that give my life meaning.
Having tried to make experiences into a study, having thus written some very boring blog-posts, I think I’ve finally learned to simply state these personal truths and let find their own way to the reader. Maybe it’s a little bit interesting if I don’t go into explicit detail, instead signing off with this song called ‘the dance of 2009’.
When the moon hits the sky like an all seeing eye does it see all we’ve lived through and fought for?
Now that night has come and the land is dark, you can’t see well enough to stand by me
I stand by you, Hold your hand, raise your arm, and, lead you, forward.
And we’ll waltz with waves to the wind and moon where the sea meets the sand on some starlit shore.
Come let’s dance as lovers with spirit and heart bringing light to your mind on our dance-floor.
I catch your eye.. and you dance counter-point. I’m keeping time.. while, you’re, dancing counter-point.
Two steps forward one step back then you turn and you turn and you turn and I hope that you turn..
Back to me
Come back to me, my loved one. Come back to me,
And let love light our way as we dance through to break of the day.
Well the moon does it spy what is in my mind’s eye? I regret when our good times were tainted with stress.
Now that night time is here and I can’t see to clear-ly it’s you who I miss and all else matters less
Than it did be-fore so hold me close-ly hold my gaze and, dance, with, me,
And be free like birds of the air that flit over lily fields lit by the grace of this dawn
As we dance amongst petals of hope, faith and love let’s leave worry behind at the dawning of grace.
Grace catch our hands, as we dance counterpoint. Let’s follow your song, though, we’re, still dancing counterpoint.
So we dance then we stop. Yeah we dance then we stop. But the song is so strong we keep dancing along…
To its Call
Come back to me, my lovers
Come back to me
And let Me Light your day as you dance till you enter My Way.
When the shade shifts away to the edge of our scene does the moonlight reveal how we sought to fit in?
But the light couldn’t reach.. The beat of our life when we’d both closed our eyes to within
So we stood alone.. Together apart.. As we danced for our lives was there no one from God to join in?
No just as the faint stars of twilight grow bright as they’re joined by celestia dawning at night
So the words and the prayers of our family and friends and their gifts and their care brought us light.
Light revealing this song to, which we dance count-er-point. Though we see but a shade.. as we dance count-er-point.
We reach from the shade to the light as we turn, as we turn, Leap, Grasp and are Clasped
In friendship’s hands.
Come back to me, my lover
Come back to me, my church
Leave behind everything blocking my way
And reveal in the night, a hope for the day
Well the moon does it spy, Well the moon does it spy all our efforts as all of us seek to fit in?
Or can it quite sense its own glow set apart from the dark as it’s drawn to the world from within?
I had a dream last night. I stood beside Christ; Just one of the crowd as he struck at the system of man.
But I’d dreamed of the world as a game show where all of us watched as we punished men’s crimes right for right, taken.
Till I had found myself trapped in the spotlight; Pummelled and thrashed for some sweets from South Asia (I’d eaten. I’d had my fill)
But they’d all done much worse, so I, denied their counterpoint. Seemed like they’d broke the line, when I began, dancing my own cold time.
Though I spun and I shook in a cage held by children I spun thoughts in my head of the Pharisees making me pay..
For their law…
Come back to me, my loved ones, come back to me.
I was called from those thoughts that condemned the self-righteous to the one where I stood by them shamed.
As we stood on a shore that used to be sand where by an oil black sea that didn’t waltz, didn’t stir
We looked out at one like a son of man, at the end of a concrete pier.
He taught us compassion. He showed us the faith.
To fight for the love that turns shadow to light.
But the more he spoke, the more I could see
The dream, it couldn’t be for me
And I fumbled at the rail and slipped down through the oil-drenched sea.
While words washed over my head as my heart drew me down, down, down.
Love your neighbour like you’re living their life.
(Well I’m doing ok, if I try not to harm them. If we all keep the peace, well, then, we’ll all be ok, hey, eh)
Give thanks for the gift of life you’ve been given. Peace. Breathe. There’s no breath in death.
(Well I’m doing ok, but it’s not easy.) (I‘ve got common time but life’s got me dancing nine on eight.)
Take care of these gifts, the world and your life. Take care cos now nothing’s forbidden.
(Well I’m doing ok, sometimes I remember to, but bad thoughts come to me unbidden, how can I be forgiven?)
Reach out. Spend the time to appreciate the troubles and joys and the company of others lives.
(Well sometimes I do break, out of my comfort zone. Just not enough. Just, don’t have enough love to count.)
Reach out and worship and know, what it’s like to be held by the source of all life.
(Well sometimes but mostly I’m too caught up by Shadows; To See the Light.)
Reach out. You can cultivate beauty: Can catch a world as it falls. For the kingdom of heaven is near.
(Romance is too far and I can’t find my way.)
Drifting down, dragged to drown through dread doldrums, dark and dead.
When Waves of Words, wash under my feet as the life of my heart, continues its beat.
In the midst I glimpse a glint. Glimmering, shimmering sky shines like a cross of light overhead.
I am not alone.
He pulled me out, turned to me and said “Be Free”
“I’ve come not to condemn the world though I condemn your slavery”
“Man wasn’t made for these words, but the Word became Man”
“A Sabbath day is coming, Love become human in you”
He showed me compassion. He taught me the faith,
To hear: His words were for me, not for what I could do.
And the light was his Love reflected in me, given for you.
So I’m coming back.
I’m ready now.
I’m going to rescue you.
While the moon draws the sea it throws light to the land and the land does not know the sea’s journey.
But moonlight throws shade, shows the land in shards that the moon cannot draw back together.
So comes the sea, embracing land, raising sand, draw-ing it onward
And the land will follow the beat of the sea when engulfed in it’s shadow it’s lifted free,
So let’s dance, you and I to the moon in the sky along long shore drift while wind wisps sand dunes high.
And when you ascend, there’s no need to fear sha-dows cast, by the height of your conscience, No, for the shadows show that you can see, Now let us be free.
Two steps on, now we know,
The Romance of this night is the Light in the midst of the gloom,
Dance with me.
Come back with me, my soul mate
Come back to me
For I’m here in the night too, but I am the Light, Dance with me.
When with sunrise the sky breathes a heavenly sigh and reveals to us what we had we had fought for.
When the light shines within, our love shines without and we see he was there at the alter.
We’ll stand by Him. He’ll take our hand, wreathe eternity ‘round our finger
And we’ll dance unveiled, untainted and free of the shadow, the sea, all this false imagery.
Yes we’ll dance seamlessly, the real melody that was written in hope for a child.
With this dance we’ll honour our heart.
This dance is played for the father of all.
That’s why we all time our steps for each other
And why it’s the Coming of Joy.
Come back to me, my children, come back to me.
romantic ireland’s not dead and gone yet.
Since love is the salve for recession of trust
Then the salve for this blight, you will get.
Tar ar ais liomsa mo dhomhain
Tar ar ais le chéile arís
Tar ar ais le chéile mo thír, mo chontae, mo mhuintear, chlan leannán, a leanbh.
Tar ar ais arís